Making Harmony With Others

I suppose, if one needs to make harmony with his/her fellow human beings - from spouses, friends to acquaintances, one must more or less give up the truth, regardless of what kind of truth one holds: biased or objective (Of course no one can have completely objective truth). 

A Widow for One Year by John Irving

Two teenage brothers were killed during a car accident, from which the mother Marion was profoundly traumatized. Later she had a daughter Ruth, but the newborn child didn't relieve her pain from the loss of her sons, nor did it mend the relationship with her husband. One day, Marion left the family without a goodbye, abandoned her 4-year-old daughter and the 16-year-old lover who had sex with her "sixty times" in two months. And she would be absent from everybody's life for 38 years.

What would happen during these long years? Would Ruth forgive her mother? How about Eddie, the young lover who was left heartbroken? Based on John Irving himself, this is Ruth's story, but the story certainly goes beyond Ruth's alone. From the life of the Americans' middle class to the life of the red-light district of Amsterdam of Holland, again, Irving demonstrated his excellent skills in creating characters, building up a complex storyline, and probing into the great depth of each character's personality.

There are quite a lot of sexual descriptions in this novel, yet, the story is far beyond just sex. John Irving certainly is a true free writer who doesn't care much about conventions.

The book is about how to cope with grief - the grief of losing loved ones, and of course, along with all other kinds of griefs. Since misfortune is inevitable in our life, maybe it is through our thorough understanding of grief, and knowing how to deal with it, can we reach the point of truly understanding each other, ultimately, truly loving each other.

Irving also spent lots of pages describing literature writing skills through his characters in the book. I found them invaluable, especially to those who love writing.

This is the second book by John Irving I've read. Though I still like the first one - The Cider House Rules - more, I admit this is also a delicately crafted masterpiece. Just like other good books, the later you get into it, the more engrossing it is. And the end? A heartstopper.

Yes, John Irving knows how to stop heart beating.

The Cider House Rules

The Cider House Rules is a complex and profound story under a seemingly plain title and a nonchalant beginning. It is a journey of love and kindness that starts and ends at a solitary orphan house. 

I watched the movie first. While I was already deeply moved by the movie, I found the book is even more breathtaking. The book addresses social issues such as abortion, prostitute, racial discrimination, etc., but for me, more importantly, it reveals from a very special yet broad-angle some essential aspects of life itself, such as the limitation of social norms, such as love, kindness, and overcoming hardship. 

The story is a masterfully woven labyrinth. It starts from the birth of the main character Homer Wells. He was born in an orphan house located in St. Cloud’s, Maine. Though the orphan house is always the center stage of his life, Homer Wells’ extraordinary fate brings us into a much broader landscape, involving many characters with different life scenarios. I was usually not so attached to the stories with many characters, as I tend to believe that it was quite impossible to get into the depth of each character, but this book is not the case - most of the characters have their irreplaceable places in the story. I am simply amazed by how the author crafted all this out. 

Though Homer Wells' character is sculpted in profound depth, I found the most striking characters of the story are Dr. Larch and Melony. Watching Hommer growing up at St Cloud's, Dr. Larch is pretty much Homer's life mentor, and he loves Homer like a father loves his own son. His intelligence, life experience, and cynic attitude along with his kind heart embody the center philosophy of the book - he is the “soul” of the book. Melony - another orphan from St. Clouds, apathetically poignant figure, though not always at the center stage, plays like a powerful drummer - every single strike demands readers' full attention. 

If I have to put these three characters in order, I would put Melony right on the top. This is because I am convinced that though both passion and intelligence are important in our life, passion is still the “king”, plays a more powerful role - it determines the directions of our life path. That’s why at the end, when Dr. Larch’s prolonged reason fails to pursue Homer, Melony’s sudden blow of instinct wakes him up. It might not be exaggerated to say that it is Melony, this seemingly unimportant and uneducated (all her education is one single book - Jane Eyre) character, who singlehandedly pushed the story to its climax. 

Oh yes, as the title implies, the book is also about breaking rules. If one finds the story convincing, he/she would realize that human nature is infinitely complex and can’t always comply with the very limited man-made rules. John Irving’s story digs into the most profound problem of human society - how do we deal with social norms? Of course, he doesn’t give answers. He is a storyteller, not a philosopher. He only displays reality, and it's up to each one of us to find the answer by ourselves. 

The book is hefty - even with the author’s lighthearted sense of humor, it will make you cry much more than laugh. This is the type of book that I had not read for a long time (since Jane Eyre, Hugo’s, and some Thomas Hardy’s, etc.). It’s nothing short of a masterpiece.

Cooperation vs. Solitude

Humans cannot survive without cooperation, cannot think without solitude (independence).

More on Getting Along

A morally flawed person cannot get along with others, a morally "perfect" person can't either. This is because most people in this world are not "perfect", so it's hard for a "perfect" one to accept the imperfect others, and VICE VERSA.

Single

Single persons are easily misunderstood and misjudged because people assume the reason that they are single is because they cannot get along, and getting along equals virtue.

A Disturbing "Natural" Killing

I came across this image on a Chinese online community, which claimed that the "mother deer" in the middle of picture chose to fall prey to 3 cheetahs in order to let her kids running away... while I was stunned and sad, someone suggested that was a fake story. So I searched online and found true story, which is even more disturbing.

The true story was recorded by photographer Alison Buttigieg, who capture this killing scene in Kenya, Africa. What was usual about this killing was that 3 cheetahs did not kill impala (not deer) right away. Instead, they played with the hapless impala, while the mother cheetah holding impala's neck all the time, teaching her kids how to prey. After a length of time, about a few minutes, which seemed infinitely long to the photographer, the mother cheetah finally put the impala to death, or "out of misery". While this is already hard to swallow, what is even more disturbing was the reaction of the impala. I better quote the original description by the firsthand witness, because they are simply breathtaking:

The 6th image of the sequence.
by Alison Buttigieg

What is out of the ordinary in this sequence of photos is how calm the impala is throughout its ordeal. It is probably in shock and thus paralysed with fear. It is disturbing how it seems to be posing in some photos, especially in the 6th one as if determined to stay beautiful and proud until its very end. The defiance in its eyes are in stark contrast with its lack of interest in self-preservation. This allowed me to get unique pictures of a kill that are seemingly choreographed in their grace. I wanted the viewer to sympathize with the impala, and at the same time witness with me the disturbing nature of this unusual kill.

I am out of words to say anything anymore...

The Sun The Moon and Taking Things for Granted

I just read a Chinese parable another day. It says an old man was asked which one is more important, the Sun or the Moon. The old man thought for a long while and answered "the Moon".
"Why?"
"Because the Moon shines in the night when we especially need it; the Sun shine in the day when it's already light."

I found it inspiring. Taking thing for granted seems to be a major disposition of our humans. Yesterday I read another article on facebook about health advice given by a 104 year-old Japanese doctor. While I appreciated most of the advice, one of them struck me hard: "Energy does not come from sleeping a lot or eating well, it comes from feeling good" Well, I hope the doctor did not mean literally (or maybe the translation wasn't accurate due to the confusion of Japanese language?), because the fact right before me is that if we don't eat and sleep, no matter how good we feel, we die, and we die with horrible feeling. As simple as that.

From what I learned humans' energy does come from foods. Sleep doesn't "provide" energy but without it our bodies cannot function well enough to receive nutrition from foods, so it's equally crucial to our energy production.

Since I lived with chronic health problem for ages, I found, people - of course include me - tend to take physical health for granted. We apprise our mental power so much to an extent that some people literally believe feeling good is all we need to live well. The belief in our mental power is also out of proportion. During Chinese cultural revolution, a famous slogan went like this: "The field produces as much crops as people want." Nowaday a popular phrase goes "There are nothing you can't do but only what you can't imagine." Such beliefs go on and on and it is called positive thinking and it's panacea for all diseases and fuel for all ambitions.

Why people so insist the importance of our mental energy? I suppose the reason is exactly the same as that old man who says the Moon is more important than the Sun, that is: like the Sun, foods and sleep are there almost EVERYDAY, so we ignore them, forgot that if we don't have them there will be no chance for our mental exercise.

The Chinese article that cites the parable story above also talks about mother's love, another thing that many people take it for granted. Yes, I believe physical health is like mother's love, we only realize it's importance when we lose it.

The Moon shines in the night, brings us romantic imagination and fascination, so and so, but it's the Sun who stays there day and light, provides the most important sources for our existence, which made all those romantic exercises possible. Yet, when we enjoy these "luxuries", we think those are all it's about and don't give credit to something that is more essential. Why? I don't know but I suppose that shortsightedness is what we are born with.

Thomas Hardy vs. Charles Dickens

I became a Hardy's fan recently, but not yet Dickens', though both of them focused on human tragedy. I wonder why?
Just read some comparison of these two online and I got clues. It says that the characters of Dickens are mostly typical types from the overall population of the time, and the cause of their tragedies are mostly social problems; on the other hands, hardy's characters are mostly more peculiar and the cause of their tragedies are mostly their own personality flaws, or fate.
So may I say that the misery in Dickens' work is more transient and in Hardy's more perpetual? I suppose that the systems of societies change over time, while human nature stays forever as long as human race exist (though this should be not taken absolutely, because some social issues remain long term, and human nature also evolves).
Nonetheless, I found Hardy's world is far more fascinating than Dickens'.  

Loss of Innocence

Having a job like teaching art for children, I have a "privilege" to be with younger generations, which made me happy because I am type of persons who don't like to deal with the complication of adults. However, I also occasionally witness some changes - from immaturity to maturity, form simplicity to complication. Most of these changes are pleasant because they are in good ways, however, I realized recently one of my students turned out to be someone whom I would dislike, if she were an adult.

She was only 5 when she came to my studio. She was so pure and pretty, and had passion for drawing or painting. But recently, at the mere age of 10, she is somebody else, totally different from 5 years ago. She became pretentious, often manipulative (even abusive sometime) toward classmates. And her attitude constantly changes depend on whom she is dealing with. She no longer talk spontaneously, every word she speaks out was prepared carefully in her little brain. To put it simply, she acts like a little politician.

I occasionally recall when she was little (though she is still little), feel a little sad about it. How wonderful if human beings can just stay pure and innocence like that 5 year-old girl, who used to tell me that I was her best friend?

Spread Love, Not Hatred.

Yesterday, I went to public library to vote. In voting room I saw a teenager working there who looked familiar. So I asked her:"Do I know you somewhere?" "Maybe", she said, with a voice of boy. Instantly I realized her face looked identical to a student I taught long time ago, so I gave her a hint:"I teach art." "I was in your art classes." "R****!" I called out her name, though with low voice. She gently nodded.

I found, not only her hair was short, her voice was also totally changed. So I thought that she must be going through sex change. However, after we talked a little, I hurried to finish my voting business, then said goodbye to her.

On the way back I talked about this with my girlfriend, who was driving. She said I might be a little imprudent by mentioning HIS previous name, because he might not want to people know about it. I agreed. I also thought, after all these years, he was still a teenager, going through sex change he must suffer both physically and mentally, and my reaction of meeting him seemed a bit "cold". So I told my girlfriend that I wanted go back to give him a hug. Instantly, she turned the wheel around.

Back in voting room I walked directly to him and said:"I came back because I owe you a hug." He broke into a wholehearted smiled and we hugged, during which I told him that I was proud of him. Then we exchanged some more words and I said goodbye again.

Long time ago I read Ellen Degeneres' mother's biography Love, Ellen, in which she wrote about the moment when Ellen confessed to her about her lesbian secret. Her reaction was giving her daughter a hug, because what jumped in her mind first, was that her daughter had been suffering. I could never forget this detail of the book, because it made such a striking contrast with many of those parents who ditched their gay children.

I do not have children, but I am proud of what I did yesterday.

Yes, let's spread LOVE, not hatred.

Ideas

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A sign of narrow mindedness is to defend ideas. Ideas are made to discuss, not to defend.

Tantra - physical vs spiritual

Based on online definition:

Look at these spiritual beings!

"Tantra is a Sanskrit word that means 'woven together.' Hindu and Buddhist meditation practitioners use sexual union as a metaphor for weaving together the physical and the spiritual: weaving man to woman, and humanity to the divine. The purpose is to become one with God."

Oh please, give me a break! Admit it, it's just physical! There might be some emotional and spiritual touch but, sex is sex. The so called "divine" or "spiritual" part is way too far fetched. To me, it only shows humans' lack of confidence in pursuing physical pleasure.

Intelligence vs. Smartness

Intelligence Failure (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It takes great intelligence to know that we ultimately know nothing, so it's not a surprise that this world is full of "smart" people who think we know everything.

Ignorance

 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Never underestimate the power of ignorance. It can do great harm, disregard the so called "good intention".

Reason to Love

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Being loved is never the reason to love. Love is. And it's the only reason.

Unconditional Love and Self-esteem - A Psychological Study of Child Abuse Victims' Emotional Journey

unconditional. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

We all need love. This is because that love make us feel connected to others, and this connection eases, or even eliminates our biggest fear: loneliness. Thus love becomes the greatest – sometime the only - reason for us to live.

But, unfortunately, love from others are not entirely secure. It comes and goes without warning. It's beyond our controls. This is because love from others usually is “conditional”, which means it happens only if we are in possession of certain conditions, such as physical beauty, wealth, social status, etc. So without these conditions, we are in danger of losing love. But, if one gains a type of love that is “unconditional”, he/she would feel the most secure in his/her life, because this love is provided regardless how he/she is, and stays with him/her as long as he/she lives. 

So where does unconditional love come from? I found that they mostly come from two sources: 1, parents; 2, one's own.

Individualism vs Generalization

Individualism doesn't necessarily mean to ignore the collective or general differences between groups, such as races, cultures, nations, etc., but only means to refuse to use them as guide to treat each individual.

"No I Can't" and by Saying That, I Know I Am One of the Most Positive Persons on The Earth

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

"Yes I can!", or "No, I can't", seem to be the signs of positive and negative personality for most people to identify. Over stated? Just look at those overwhelmingly "liked" facebook posts, we get idea.

Long ago I told a by-then friend of mine that "I can't do" something due to my critical illness (oh yes I was all time ill for over a decade - a decade of NEGATIVENESS!), he "kindly" preached to me by saying: "Mei, I don't like to hear you say you can't", as if I said that just by a willful "choice" - another concept worshiped by freewill addicted culture. Without his explanation I knew why he said that, because it was my "upbeat" personality that drew him to me, so naturally my constant remarks of "I can't" really did not reflect his impression of me. Obviously we had "problem" with communication and friendship died soon after.

Physical Vs. Mental

It's so strange that it takes a person like me, who naturally doesn't enjoy much physical pleasure, to believe that the physical part of life is more essential, more decisive, thus more important than the mental part among our whole life existence. Most people don't realize this simply because they take their good physical health for granted.