Identity conceptual view (Photo credit: Wikipedia) |
Don't get me wrong. I love art. Van Gogh's paintings would move me into tears. And occasionally, if I painted something I felt satisfied, I would stare at them for long time. But, I don't think I am that type of artists who could devote their entir lives to art. Very unfortunately, many times in my life, I had to spend too much time doing "art", just for making living. That's why once I called myself "an artist by misfortune".
Now I am not going to write about how I fought with my monstrous fate, instead, I like to touch a little bit about how a person's social identity affect his/her personal confidence.
One of contemporary psychologists (I forgot his name) believed that when people reached their adult life but still did not approve their professions, they would easily get into a troubled state of mind called "professional identity disorder", and it would strongly affect their confidence. I don't know about others, but this theory sounds 200% true to me!
After I entered middle age, I trapped into a job that I would never imagine I would possibly choose: custom portraits. Despite the overwhelming compliments I received everyday, my confidence simply collapsed, especially during the periods that I had no idea how I could escape. During that "dark middle age" I simply could not help to think that my life was a total waste, because what I loved to do, such as pursuing knowledge, pondering the mystery of life, day dreaming, wondering, all had no chance to get into my daily schedules. I also developed a strong psychological problem: social anxiety. I had problem to be with people who I loved to be with, because I had trouble to face their confidence. I also refused to get into any possible love relationships. I blew away numerous beautiful chances, because I simply did not know who I was.
Now, I no longer had such intense sense of lost, because first, I learned to accept the fact that my fate is more powerful than me; second, I found a way to "squeeze" majority of my time for my freedom, during which I don't have to bother with "art". Gradually, I found myself happy, and accordingly, my confidence came along.
I also found, since we humans are social animals, our social confidence would be fully installed inside us when our professional identities approved by both ourselves and others. I had long term problem with my social life, because when I was well accepted by others, I was an "artist" whom was not accepted by myself; when I acted as a "none- artist", (some) people would choose to stay away from me because they did not believe that's who I was (I was gently criticized as "don't know how to appreciate what I have"). This conflict once brought me so much trouble. It is still on going in my current life, but not so much problems any more.
Probably some people don't mind much about what they do, or not do, but I found my happiness is quite closely related to it. I simply cannot imagine myself doing something repetitively like a machine. And the more freedom I have, the happier/more confident I am. I have reason to believe, that our true confidence is in direct proportion to our happiness. From this point of view, logically, we could say that our professions, which take majority time of our lives, do affect the overall quality of our lives, thus our happiness and our confidence, more or less, directly or indirectly.
Mmm...it does seem such a shame when people hate their job. We do spend so much of our life in `work' mode afterall.
ReplyDeleteyes, it's shame, if we don't like the jobs and cannot get rid of them.
DeleteThis is a really interesting subject, Yun. For me, what's influenced the link between profession and happiness/confidence the most is reframing work, e.g. working to live, not living to work. That frameshift made all the difference in my perspective regarding work.
ReplyDeleteThat's a wise switch, Kris. A negotiation too. That's why I could never stand work full time, pretty much any jobs.
Deleteyunyi, I decided at an early age that work would never be an important part of my life. I would do odd jobs if necessary but never tie myself down to a career. Having leisure and the freedom to be as idle as I wish mean more to me than any material, intellectual or artistic achievement.
ReplyDeleteI am about following your suit Marty. I think I will never work full time any jobs, but only part time, a little bit this or that. Freedom is the most important thing for free spirits!
DeleteYun, you certainly have artistic talent but I agree that it doesn’t mean art needs to be your lifetime career path. The theory of “professional identity disorder” sounds true to me as well. I can also relate to being good at what you do but feeling discouraged and losing your confidence nonetheless. I really wanted to be a professional writer but I was discouraged from pursuing that path, not because of lack of talent or interest, but because it was felt (by others) that being a writer was not profitable or productive. So I worked for years as an administrative assistant, banking secretary, legal secretary, then later a proofreader and copyeditor (closer to writing but still I’m editing the words of others, not writing my own). Often I have to overcome objections at home just to write a blog piece; it does get frustrating.
ReplyDeleteI can readily understand how being trapped in those professions during that “dark middle age” caused social anxiety for you. Very understandable. It’s wonderful the way you learned to work around your fate, so to speak, found your happiness and confidence again! I think you make a very good point that “our true confidence is in direct proportion to our happiness.”
Thanks Madilyn for your thoughtful and understanding words! And I am glad you can related to my points. I think we both did our respective "negotiation" to our fate, except mine was "bloody".
DeleteI too escaped into this blogging world, using it as my refugee. As long as I have free time, I can write.
You are a talented writer, Madilyn. Every time reading your blog I see it. You have a style that I would call "the beauty of simplicity", which is the most precious gift among all our talents.