August 17, 2015

"Do You Still Love Me?" - Weakness And Selfishness

My Weakness Is None of Your Business
My Weakness Is None of Your Business (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
I found there is a type of persons, who would always let others make choices for them. Or, if they know what to choose, they would "design" a complicated scenario to force others to choose for them. The "benefit" of acting like this is that when things don't go as they expected, they don't have to be responsible.

i.e., when they no longer love or like someone, instead of saying: "sorry I don't love you." or "I am sorry to say that I've been feeling very difficult to be your friend." they would say:" Do you still love me or not?" "Do you still want to be me friend or not?"

I think this is a weakness, because I found lots of them do not have enough self confidence to trust themselves (to make wise choices). It is this weakness that give rise to their strong disposition of dependence. These people would consciously or unconsciously looking for "strong" persons as candidates for their relationships/friendships. And after they found that their partners/friends are no longer as "strong", they get rid of them without slightest hesitation. Of course, they would also carefully make the endings of relationships look like the others' choices, not of their own.

This is selfishness, a selfishness derives from weakness and dependence. Having known so many of these type of persons, I am convinced that the virtue of human beings, such as kindness, honesty, etc., is not just a matter of simple choice, but of an ability, or capability (whichever is more appropriate in English). I believe that only those who are equipped with strong independence, who are able to make their own choices, live their own lives, be responsible for whatever they do, can offer true kindness to others.


  1. Dependency creates all kinds of problems, yunyi. One relinquishes one's power over oneself and places it in the hands of others. That means living in a state of constant anxiety and a need to control the thoughts and actions of others. I can't imagine anything more futile or exhausting.

    1. Interesting response NP, I never really thought of it that way when it came to dependency.

  2. Most of the time, I believe people do the very best they know how to do. Children and young adults who grow up in dependent situations and lack healthy emotional/relational skills have a very difficult time changing their patterns as adults getting their needs met. We all need each other, but not in a manipulative way. You may find Murray Bowen's writing on differentiation really interesting:)