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| Eleven Kinds of Loneliness (album) (Photo credit: Wikipedia) |
Today in a Chinese restaurant which I often visited, I casually said to the boss when I sneezed: "Spring came with pollen." The boss knew me since years ago so we often chatted a little. A little differently, she answered to me with a decisive tone: "you SHOULD take medicine. " I said: "medicine would trigger my heart problem."
"what problem?"
"Palpitation."
"So what? You heart would stop beating?"
The way she said seemed half serious and half joking. I brushed off with a laugh. Just at the moment an employee joined our conversation, said that one should be careful with medicines. Since this opinion fit mine very well so I jumped into conversation with her, talked a little more about how I thought of modern medicine. Then when I walked out of the restaurant, the boss suddenly said to me:"you have mental problem." (or "worrying problem" 你有心病） I turned around, surprised, but thought she was still joking, so I gave her a laugh and left.
I thought I would not give it a second thought, but my mind didn't follow my order, and I didn't feel very good. Problem is, based on my personally experience, I knew she was not joking, at least not entirely. I also recalled that there were at least over 3 times that they made my orders spicy when I cleared told them not to. Once I went to pick up foods and asked them to double check my orders, they didn't seem to be comfortable with my request.
Of course, all of these could not be a problem if I just never reveal my personal life, especially if I never mentioned that I had health problem.
Since I entered the journey of my chronic illness years ago, I've been facing too much judgment, both from acquaintances and friends. I realized, had I never mention my health problem, things might be different. But how? Isn't talking about our daily life a way to make friends? Of course if I were healthy, had a family, kids, I would have so much more in common to share with others, but being a sick person, not being able to do this and that was my daily routine for years. And what's wrong with mentioning it? The fact is there's nothing wrong with it, but people just don't like "difference". I found that the "significant" difference between my life and a "normal" life seems to make lots of people uncomfortable, so they try very hard to imply, sometime to openly state, that what I said was not true, and I was not who I thought I was.
It seems that in this world, being different is a sin, and having an unknown illness is even a worse sin.
Worth to mention, that I did meet many kind people, who showed me true compassion. But the negative communication is much more overwhelming.
I may not go to that restaurant again. A little inconvenience to me, because I do like a few dishes there. And yes, I may change my social strategy a little bit, instead of being unnecessarily honest, I may just conceal myself little, at least in the social places like restaurants, stay mysterious and let people guess that I might be a serial killer.
How freaking rude! Of course medications are a personal choice, I mean at least when it comes to strangers who work in restaurants, and to start that whole thing from a little comment about pollen. And to yell out that someone has mental problems, she must be psycho. You should have told her that it takes one to know one. God, what a bitch!
ReplyDeleteMelody, thanks for your understanding.
DeleteI agree that she must be the one who suffer mental issue! The incident started from pollen, but she must disliked me for some reasons for a while. Well, never go there again!
The trouble, yunyi, is that people somehow feel they can solve your problems, so they make suggestions. When they realize they can't, they either get frustrated and accuse you of being stubborn or avoid you altogether out of feelings of impotence.
ReplyDeletespot on, marty. that's how i feel about it too. they simply cannot believe that all the methods they suggested did not work for me (i tried all) so it must be my hypocondriasis.
DeleteYun, there is a fine couplet in Hindi that says no matter how careful you are in a chamber of black ash, you will return with a speck of black somewhere on your limbs. Just stay away from negative people.
ReplyDelete"God 's in His heaven—. All 's right with the world!" (Robert Browning)
Thanks Uma for sharing the wise couplet and beautiful poem. Stay away from such negative people might be a wise choice. Lord, this is the second Chinese restaurant I boycott!
DeleteYour paying the wages of those in that Chinese restaurant because without customers like you, they wouldn't survive, and that's how they talk to you? That boss is paving the way for other members of staff to talk to you the same way. I wouldn't give them my money especially when you've had a few things go wrong at the same place in the past. Sounds a little deliberate to me.
ReplyDeleteYou're right that people don't like indifference, whether it's colour, race, disability, sexual orientation or such like. We all can't be the same or the world would be one hell of a boring place. You're unique and don't forget it.
Negative attitudes aimed at you can be hard, but the problem usually lies with them and not you.
Hope you have a wonderful week Yun Yi.
RPD, such a wonderful comment you left! Yes, I don't think I need to change myself because as you said, problem is theirs not mine. :-) Thanks!
DeleteYun, there is nothing wrong with what you said or did. If anyone is uncomfortable, then that’s their problem. People can often be so judgmental, and I have little use for those who choose to judge others. The boss at that restaurant had no right to be unkind to you! You were not wrong to reveal what you did and many people do that same sort of thing. It was wrong of those at the restaurant not to respect what you told them, and wrong for them not to honor your request for less spicy food. I cannot eat food that is too spicy either and I will ask the same at restaurants.
ReplyDeleteIt’s a sad fact in society that conformity or being what is considered “normal” is applauded and anyone not fitting that norm is treated differently. I know what happens to you is often the result of your illness and I am so sorry there are miserable, controlling people out there making you feel bad. The problem is them, not you! In a different way, I totally understand because being a foster child growing up, I was judged a lot, especially by my peers in school, and by adults too. It was often assumed I was in foster care because I was a bad child. People treated me differently. Many people didn’t bother to understand I was in foster care due to no fault of my own; it was because of my mother’s illness. Still people judged me and expected me to fail. Some people who knew me in the past still treat me that way today.
Yes, perhaps you should go to a different restaurant where you’ll feel more comfortable (and where they have better customer service skills and a kinder attitude toward others!). I love the good humor in your last line staying mysterious and letting people think you could be a serial killer LOL! That’s the spirit! :)
Madilyn, you are the champion of kindness and understanding! You life experience seems to make you know how exactly it feels like when misjudged by others. And you certainly are strong spirited, have channeled your hardship into great compassion.
DeleteThank you for making me feel great!
That is so unfair, I don't understand why people are so close-minded to the chronically ill (or like you say those who are different)
ReplyDeleteThanks upnorth for commenting. I know, it is unfair and I often felt quite frustrated. Sometime I wondered too why? Maybe something to do with my manner? I hope/guess not. Maybe I should be more careful in future, stay away with this kind of people sooner.
Delete