July 25, 2014

Do I Deserve Help? My Pride And My disappointment

The Help
The Help (Photo credit: __MaRiNa__)
During my relapse I am extremely debilitated so I often need help. But, I am living alone, also I happened to be a person who never learned how to ask help. What's worse, I am a person who doesn't look like need help. My relatively strong body build, my absolutely decisive countenance, my firm stride as long as my health permit me to be vertical, all these qualities make girls want to depend on me, guys want to leave me alone. This, also is why I better live alone during my chronic condition.

I have been in major relapse since June, and just started recovering since recent several days. This morning I feel almost perfect so I wanted to move several gardening stones (small size like football!) back to my backyard. Trust me, this is far less than a piece of cake for anyone in normal health condition, but for me, it is a serious task, so serious that I planned to do but have not touched it for days due to the fact that it might trigger another crash, which also could cause the cancellation of my weekend classes, on which my current income depends. Anyhow this morning I felt I could do it, at least I could do part of it. I also had my strategy, first to put several stones in my small dolly and push them to backyard. Plus, the fresh morning air was tempting, so I put myself in action.

Right after I put about 5 stones into my dolly, I realized that I once again overestimated my strength. Half way to my backyard there is a small slope, and I realized that if I "pushed" myself to pull the dolly up, I might have big trouble following up, and my weekend classes will be again jeopardized . So I decided to stop right there no matter what. But my dolly was right in the middle of lawn, between my house and my neighbor's. Just as I was wondering what to do, I saw a guy was knocking my neighbor's door, so I asked him if he could help me because I had heart problem. Since I was already breathless, my voice was extremely weak. He looked at me and said: I too have heart problem. And he lifted his shirt to show the scar on his front chest. So I immediately said never mind.

What happened the rest was that I struggled to move the stones one by one to my "territory", which is only a couple yards away from the dolly, then I took the dolly back to my backyard, and after that I immediately went back and lied down for a little while, let my heart back to normal function. So far, I don't feel big trouble but, I already could not cook lunch as I planned. I decide to boil some dumplings instead, because it costs almost no energy at all.

Thing is, I believe that guy could help me. Though he does have scar on his chest, but from his attitude, his loud voice, his brisk stride, I can hardly believe that he could not handle what I asked. Why didn't he offer me help? I don't know exactly, but based on my past experience, I have reason to believe it was because I did not convince him that I needed help. As I mentioned in the beginning of this post, I happen to have a relatively big build, don't look fragile, so I generally give people an impression that I am a strong person. During my past years, I just cannot count how many times I had to handle things I was actually not able to handle, and caused my crashes sometime relapse for days or weeks, and these disasters could be avoided only if people knew how serious my health trouble was so they could give me a hand. But I am very proud person, I would rather die than having people pity me, or misjudge me. Thinking that people would take my weakness and my asking for help as "mentally weak" would simple kill me. Truth is, this character of mine certainly contribute its huge share on worsening my health problems.

Of course, lessons after lessons, I have learned that I need to take it easy on how people think of me. It doesn't matter. I also should learn to be responsible to my body, my health. It's the only thing my life rely on. If I need help, I should just ask. As one of my blogger friends said, asking help is being responsible to yourself.

On the other hand, I can't help but feel so disappointed about some of our fellow human beings. The selfishness, the distrusting each other, and many more negative aspects of human nature, just darken my view on life. And sometime, I just can't help but think, that this earth is not for me, simply because I am too good to be here.

Call me cynic!

7 comments:

  1. yunyi, so sorry to hear about your relapse and subsequent difficulties. Though I prefer to rely on no one but myself I'm not shy about accepting help when I need it. I've been lucky in my life-perhaps too lucky-to be the beneficiary of much human kindness and generosity. Probably the reason I've been able to live such an aimless, carefree life. So my experience, in that respect, has been very different than yours.

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    1. Thanks Marty. I know our experience is quite different and accordingly we have different outlook of life, but deep inside, I know it's only the joy of life can beat the dark side of it.

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  2. Based on the fact that that guy pulled up his shirt and showed you his scar when he saw you struggling and asking for help, he qualifies as an asshole. The majority of folks wouldn't have thought twice about giving you a hand with that dolly, Yun. A rotten apple doesn't necessarily spoil the whole bushel.

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    1. "A rotten apple doesn't necessarily spoil the whole bushel."
      ---You are right, Kris. It is kindness of people gives this world hope. I've been having some sort of "luck" to meed jerks like this one but I know there kind people out there.

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  3. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt, and trust they are telling the truth. He said he had to watch his heart, and there is a very good change he did.

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    1. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt, and trust they are telling the truth. He said he had to watch his heart, and there is a very good chance he did.

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    2. PBScott, as I commented in BC, I agree with your reasoning. I am a person whose words often being mistaken by others so I should be more careful about it. However, I did not doubt his words, it was his attitude made me think that he was not willing to help.

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