Compliments From Parents

Since I started art classes in 2009, I have very few American students, however, the cultural difference doesn't escape even in such an unbalanced proportion, that is how they compliment their kids: American parents's compliments were loud, directly made to their kids, Chinese parents' compliments mostly were not loud, and usually not directly to kids, but to me, such as "oh, she seems doing better," "looks like he made some progress."

Of course, I hardly heard any criticism made openly, but I know in China, I would. It is widely believed in Chinese culture that humans were born "bad", so criticism is constantly needed. By Confuciansim virture is learned and vice is always a born nature. That's why in China, education mean "discipline". It is also a custom in China that when kids doing good, people naturally praise their parents and teachers, and when kids did something bad, people would condemn kids alone.

Yes, Confucius also said something like "it is the father's fault if the son did not behave well", but that's just some old cliche that nobody really believe in real life. What is really believed by Chinese people, now and then, is that compliment definitely will spoil kids. That's why most Chinese parents just don't give compliments to their kids. In case that compliments are desperately necessary, they must be presented in very reserved way, such as indirectly, or spoken out with seriousness, or better followed by criticism, just to make sure kids know that they are not really that good.

Also, I believe generally nature plays a rule of "balance" - we treat people by how we are treated. Most of these parents were treated harshly when they were little, so they naturally get so "stingy" on compliments - which they did not have much "saving" in their own emotional account.

Not only compliment, according to Chinese tradition, LOVE, should also be expressed in reserved way. I kind of understand, if we were born "evil", how could we deserve good thing? I myself as example, I don't remember being ever held by either of my parents. My father would pretend he did not see me if he encountered me in public areas. Through all my adult life, I had not touched my parents until my last visit back in China, which was 5 years ago, when my parents both were too old and sick (and if I did not hold their arms, they probably would fall down). There is a book out there called "Chinese People - a race without hugs". My personal experience certainly proves that. But I know this is not just about my experience,   every Chinese person knew this is true, despite there plenty of exceptions.

I believe we human are such animals, that if anything that is essential to our nature was deprived at the beginning of our life, such as foods, love, more likely than not, we would struggle with this issue for the rest of our life. I don't remember where I heard a story about one person who had a "hobby" to store breads everywhere in his house only because he was once almost staved when he was a child. Same as our confidence, or self-esteem, if one was not proved by her/his parents from beginning, he/she might spent all his/her life to look for prove. So I believe, psychological wise, one of important reasons for the overwhelmingly diffused social competitions, insatiable need of career success, money and fame among Chinese people*, really stem from most of Chinese people's childhood: lack of proof from parents - our first connection with the world.



*Of course I do not mean that this social phenomenon is exclusively occur in Chinese culture, but I do mean that in Chinese culture, it appears to be overwhelmingly disseminated.

Enjoy Life

Talking about enjoying life when life itself is under threatening is probably highly impossible, however, living under stress or fear when life is not under threatening, is unnecessary, or even self destructive.

Should Kids Live Up To Parents' Expecation?

English: Ellen DeGeneres in 2009. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have a student who tried very hard to please her parents, especially her mother, however she doesn't seem to be the type of persons who could enjoy art process. She is more active type, constantly need to be in physical activities, that's why she did not make much progress on skill wise. I know she loves her mother dearly, and her mother is extremely loving and caring as well. The student has been with me for over 3 years, and recently the student missed several classes. I have a hunch that the kid did not enjoy doing art as much as her mother wants her to do, and she probably would happier if she quit, however, her mother did not want her to quit because she would picture that as a failure of her own.

Nonetheless, I still believe her mother is loving and eventually will accept what her daughter really is. What I really mean is, sometime even a loving mothers can be blind on seeing the real picture of their kids, and on the other side, the eagerness to please parents also can somehow more or less give kids trouble on enjoying their own life. That's why when Ellen Degeneres' mother first time heard Ellen saying she did the stage performance (when Ellen was only 5 or 6 year-old) just for please mother, she was extremely upset. I read her bio years ago, really thought she was one of greatest mothers in the world.

Political Correctness

Political Correctness is... (Photo credit: Dave Kleinschmidt)

Political correctness was really created for people who have very poor ability of observation and judgement. This is equally, and very unfortunately to say, it was created for "majority".

Performance Anxiety

Performance anxiety (Photo credit: Jen SFO-BCN)

I have performance anxiety since ever. I guess partially because how I was brought up, partially because of my "special" or "different" nature. I pretty much do anything better without supervision. One example is learning driving stick shift car. By all means I am a talented driver, but in the first lesson of stick shift driving given by my friend, in his new car (I had hitherto learned basic driving skills in automatic car with help of another friend) , I was so nervous, and stopped engine every time when I started it. But same day at night, when I was trying on my own car by myself, I "miracally" moved my car out of parking lot at the first attempt. And by that single move, I knew pretty much all the secret about gearshift. After couple of times practices by myself (yes, illegally), I felt I was an experienced driver already. So when another friend checked on me several days later, he was surprised by my performance and said: "you already know how to drive, let's go to highway".

Having such problem, as a teacher, I always try my best not to let my students feel nervous by not staring at their performance all the time, as I fully believe that they could do better if they have more chances to experience the process by themselves. Most students are doing well, no matter I look at them or not, but a few of them do have such "anxiety". One of them is so obvious that whenever she knew I was looking at her direction, she started drawing or painting "nonsense". What's worse is, she doesn't listen. And I know this is not because she can't, but because she could not focus her mind - instead of listening me, she was thinking of how others (especially her father) would think of her if she could understand what I said. Not only she has this problem, she also learned "smartly" to hide it. I don't know how many times she quickly responded my questions/suggestions before I even finished my sentences, or before my points were fully represented. I also notice, her anxiety went worse when his parents was present at classes, which always is the case.

Her father was overall happy with her works but as soon as she did works not so outstanding, he would show his concern, by occasionally standing in front of his daughter, worrying her mistakes. Obviously, more and more, Her father realized my teaching "philosophy" a "little" hard to understand, and implied in conversations that he didn't think it's a good idea to leave students alone. I tried my best to let him understand what I think, but I don't think he could get it.

This student is only 10. She already learned to pretend to be someone else. I know she is trying very hard to be smart and quick learning, as those qualities are what her parents encourage in all possible situations: schools and family or social gathering. That's why she always respond me instantly (or pretend not hearing me at all), regardless she understands or not. Yesterday, I finally told her, while her father sitting somewhere a few yards away: "if you didn't understand me, just ask me again. It's nothing to be ashamed of if you cannot understand your teacher, but it's not good for you to pretend you understand things you do not." I said a little loud, clearly, just to make sure her father heard every word.

Not sure how my straight forward style works, but I am sure these students could do better if their parents do not expect so much from them. I don't doubt these parents' love to their kids (though I do doubt the quality of their love), as I could see they indeed give lots of love to their kids, but sometime I feel, this love, like "tiger mother"'s, mix with high expectation, might do some different kind of damage (if not more) than those child abuses without love, because, with this "love", kids get even more confused.

Tears

The only way to get rid of tears is shedding them.

Why Don't We UNDERSTAND? - A Little Thoughts After Thanksgiving Party

reason, conclusion - emotion, action (Photo credit: Will Lion)

I had a nice Thanksgiving dinner party in one of my students' parents home. It was a nice house (a mansion, I should say), and the family is a three generations of Chinese Americans. The foods were extremely delicious homemade authentic Sichuan foods, and people were all friendly and relaxing. Generally speaking, I had very good time.

However, the first half hour there I had to spend on explaining my health condition, as "grandparents" were both concerned very much and it was almost the first issue they launched right after I sat down. The conversation started from their "kind" encouraging me to go out often, join people, because obviously they already had BELIEF that my lonely lifestyle was the only real cause for every trouble I had. Since they were so sincere, I reacted accordingly, saying that I was happy and content about myself and accepted everything and trying everything I could to get healthy. It was not enough, because they did not understand why I was still not completely recovered, as if as long as what I told them was true, I should be just as healthy as everybody else.

The conversation later on was pretty much just between grandma and me. I somehow could tell, she was not convinced and still believed what she believes. I had just let go, of course, but what I was bugged "a little" is, this kind of "discussion" has been happening since ever, being repeated almost every time when talking to "certain type" of people. I would say, albeit my condition is complicated, the fact is very simple and plain (such as: I had some chronic complicated health issue, doctors could not help me so it takes me some time to help myself), but why people still don't get it? I realized there is just one simple reason: they do not want to challenge their fundamental belief, such as as long as doctors don't find anything wrong with you, your problem is mental; or, as long as people are mentally happy, they should be physically healthy; or single lifestyle is unhealthy, etc.  I also realized, if they found themselves wrong, they seem to be very upset. That's why those conversations always ended somehow awkward: they ran out of counter arguments, still somehow disbelieved what they were told.

It seems to me, for many people, PREMISES - the foundation of our logic reasoning, is more important than FACTS (or worse, is more important than their life). As long as people found one reason can help them understanding something, they take it as ABSOLUTE. Many time when I heard people say, "I just don't get it", I always found the reason often was merely because their premise was wrong.

Taking our idea as "God", is this one of reasons how we humans get into so many troubles? I have very little doubt. The rest of questions is: WHY? Or, instead of trying to "understand", I should just toss this heavy reasoning burden into the air...

Let Life Flows By Itself

River flows (Photo credit: Manu gomi)

Letting life goes with its mysterious flow seems much more interesting than setting up some "life plans" and strictly following them. The reason is simple, mother nature is a much better designer than humans.

Inspiration Vs. "Working Hard"

Hobby (Photo credit: Sergey Yeliseev)

I often don't understand why people complain about "working hard" on their hobbies, such as writing, painting, playing music, gardening, cooking, etc. For what I understand, "working hard" means we are forced to do something we don't enjoy, or something go beyond our energy limit, so it makes us feel more or less suffering, which is just opposite of the purpose of "hobby". I understand that people work hard for their jobs, to survive, because that's something they have to do, regardless they like it or not, but hobbies, if we feel suffering, why don't we just quit?

I grew up with the notion of "working hard". Trust me, the whole mainstream Chinese education to me is all about "working hard". As my father put it, "if you don't work hard, you would never be anything!" I still remember how he interpreted my quick interest shifting as "not capable of working hard". He was right. I am not able to do that, but what he may not know is, not only I am not capable of working hard, but also I dislike doing it, and furthermore, I even "despise" those works done by "hard working".

I think there is a giant difference between "working hard" and "working passionately". For me, the former is suffering, the latter is totally a enjoyment, even both can be sweating - about which many people confused. Maybe the most famous saying about "working hard" is Thomas Edison's quote: "Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration." I CANNOT DISAGREE more. I think it should be 50% and 50%. And among 50% perspiration, there is not a slight amount of suffering. For me, all true masterpieces were done by "inspiration", not by so call "hard working". I like to be a little more "specific" about the difference between these two: "inspiration" for me means a perfect LOVEMAKING between a humans mind and "God" (I am not a believer so "God" here means our "Nature"), and "hard working" means RAPE, committed by an empty human mind to an exhausted human body. So whereas "working hard" is unpleasant, suffering and often futile, the creative process under inspiration is always productive and full of pleasure. No doubt whoever gets inspiration do not mind "working hard!"

Inspiration is a gift. Not everybody has abundant amount of it. So, if we don't get inspired, what do we do? Nothing! I see so many people force themselves working on so call "creative works", but for me, what they were doing is nothing more than pretending to be "creative". I do think, pretending to know things we don't know, to do things we are not capable of, truly is one of the most foolish things humans "committed".

And the thing is, life is so much more than just "being creative", and sometime it does require our absolutely "doing nothing" to see this (probably the most) wonderful part. "Doing nothing and everything is done", lazy Lao Zi got it all.

Stunning Beauty - Johnny Weir

"Until I saw johnny I never knew a man could be so beautiful"
--- A comment from Youtube by "7827melody"

2008 World Championships. Johnny Weir (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

For me, to say every man should be like a man, every woman should be like a woman, is almost like to say every Chinese should be good at Kong Fu, every American should be rich. Truth is, the reality often is much more complicated than we humans can categorize it. There are always plenty of exceptions and surprises that break human rules, give this world some diversity, which make this world less boring. Here comes a man, who on ice acts as gracious as some of the most beautiful women. His name is Johnny Weir.

As a figure skater, Johnny Weir struck me first with his natural beauty of feminine. I've seen lots of "feminine" male figure skaters, many of them only appear to be too "soft" to me. Their "softness" seems to be a quality of "less masculine", or "less powerful" than "regular" male skaters' style. But Johnny Weir is different. He is not "less masculine", because that's simply NOT what he is. What he is is FEMININE. He doesn't care about "masculine", instead, he freely expresses his elegant nature without a slight confusion. When you watch his moves on ice, the elegance is totally natural. What's even better, is that Weir's "feminine" quality is rendered by some "muscle power", which means better control on ice, thus as an art form, it is even closer to perfection.

Secondly, Weir impresses me with his artistic style (just like Sasha Cohen!). Different from many skaters who just pose some jumps and required positions, and in between fill with "nothingness", Weir moves along with music, as if his body is charged by melody and rhythm, each move comes with a full "blossom" of life.

Last, probably most importantly to my "philosophical" view, is that all Weir's performance displayed a great confidence. Not only he is naturally feminine, but also he is fully aware of it, and he intends to exhibit it with a giant confidence. I personally do not take this for granted, because for me, it is easier to gain confidence for those popular celebrities who easily receive approval from majority, than for those who are different, especially different by "nature", different from social ideology or "common sense". For the latter, being confident dose take a totally different measure of courage. That's why I have to appreciate Johnny Weir with extra respect.

In 2010 Vancuver Winter Olympics, Johnny Weir finished in the Sixth place. It was a huge controversial. For me, he deserved a silver medal, or at least a bronze. According to some source I read online, the reason he was so underrated was because his "performance score" (aside from "technique score") was marked very low. This obviously shows that judges indeed disliked Weir's style.

I heard Johnny Weir has announced his coming back for 2014 Olympics. He also came out as an openly gay. I am glad, because all these actions showed that he was not discouraged by the mistreatment he received from last Olympics. I wholeheartedly hope he gets what he deserves next year.

Good luck Johnny!

Johnny Weir 2010 winter Olympics FP
Johnny Weir "Dr. Zhivago"

Education, Knowledge and Wisdom

English: Wisdom in Cesare Ripa's Iconologia, 1611 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Education is expensive, knowledge is cheap, wisdom is priceless.

Cheap Treasures

I stopped by a second hand furniture store and bought this bamboo box for $1. Just cannot believe it!

$2 vase!

Reading

Japanese Reading. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

If we understand reading (books or any other reading materials) as reading other people's minds, writing is nothing more than reading our own minds.

Interesting thing is, as I am getting older, I found "reading" my own mind is more fun than reading others. That probably explains why I enjoy writing more than reading.

The Art of Criticism

English: John Ruskin. Art criticism. from Cartoon portraits and biographical sketches of men of the day (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I recently wrote a blog Art of Criticism in Chinese about my thoughts on criticism. The article is based on my unpleasant experience of participating Chinese forum discussion (see my previous post). I would not translate it into English (at least right now) because of my energy "shortage", but I would like to summarize it into a brief post here.

My point is, beside some purposely personal attacks by "mean-spirit" persons , I found the frequent unpleasant "fights" all over Chinese internet was due to the confusion of "suggestion" and "personal judgement". It seems to me, that because most Chinese people grew up by "personal judgement" - from parents to school education, many Chinese people simply do not have a clear understanding on what is "personal judgement", so they (we) easily throw it onto others, despite of their innocent motive (as matter of fact, "personal judgement" as a term is yet to be invented in Chinese). And because they grew up under severe criticism, they easily developed a perfectionist personality, which leads them to be over criticizing to themselves and others. Among Chinese intellectuals, it seems to be a "common sense" that no one can really speak out about anything unless he/she is an expert in the field to which his/her topic related. Thus if they heard anything unorthodox, they tend to use harsh words to scorn, even silent the speakers.

This, I believe, is one of major reasons why there is no freedom of speech in China, both politically or intellectually. Of course, the social system is "villain", but the system is just the "exterior" cause, the "interior" one is the rigid mindset of all population.

Back to my view on "criticism", I believe that first of all, any "criticism" or "suggestion" should be based on equal respect, represented in a "personal" fashion, such as "it's just my opinion", etc. And the art of criticism, I believe is not about "criticizing" at all, but about freedom of speech. In other words, when we bring up suggestions, the true motive is to presenting our own ideas about the subjects, to share our ideas with others, not about letting others accept our ideas. (I myself also need some improvement on this manner. I am still a Chinese by blood:-))

I also touched a little on debating. Speak to myself, I enjoy it only because I enjoy logic thinking, so the process of debating, usually is a process that I try to convince myself, not my opponents.

Huge Disappointment

Recently I involved quite "heavily" in some discussions in a Chinese forum. The reason I participated was because those discussion were started over my articles published in that online Chinese magazine (Chinese News Digest). My experience there was almost completely negative: about 80 percent feedback I got were frequent personal attacks and (unaware or purposeful) serious personality judgement, despite the fact that I was one who wrote article in that place for about 8 years, and joined discussion often since my first article published there since 2004.
Beside the frequently occurred personal attack and personal judgement, those who took discussion seriously often were those who could not focus on topic, so the "marathon" exchange ideas went to nowhere. I decided that from now on, I should just focus on my writing on my own, take no or less participation in the Chinese forum. It just doesn't do much good for me, except frustration and disappointment.

Self-esteem & Self Acceptance

Self confidence, or self-esteem, is all about self acceptance, not self righteous.

I Am Lucky

I have recently "offended" (merely by talking rationally) some of my relatives, especially one of my aunts, who has been treated as the "head of clan", who "worship" Chinese "filial piety", who had been meddle all my business (my mother's legacy) because of her "responsibility" to me, her "love" me. After all of these troubles (not done yet!), I only feel that I am so lucky that I am living in a place that is so far away from China - a place that money and power (political/ideological) dominate all people's lives.

I Prefer Washing Dishes Than Producing "Masterpieces"

Really, I mean it! For a simply reason: when washing dishes my mind is FREE, I think whatever I want, but when working on so-called "masterpieces" - like custom portraits I had done before, a kind of work that required my full concentration just for reproducing the likeness - my mind is simply a slave of repetitive yet meaningless (to me) labor.

When I just came to this country, my first job (illegal) was washing dish on Sunday, from 11am - 6pm, for $48 total ($6 per hour). Back then I was told by many people that I could do portraits on streets instead of working in restaurants. I didn't take advice, because I did think working in restaurant was more interesting than working on people's faces. Half year later I did go to streets to draw people's faces, not because I loved it, but because working in restaurant simply could not support my life (as an students of private art school). Had the job of washing dishes been able to bring enough money, I would never do portraits, even though it was a job that sounds way better to so many people.

I understand that working on repetitive technical work may not be so terrible to some people, but for me, it is. It occupies my mind, hinders my free thinking and imagination. It is indeed one of worst thing happened to life. The only worse thing I could think of would be living under indigence or slavery.

Yes, the admiration/compliments I received as a portraits artist was overabundant, but they did not complement my "suffering" of losing freedom. This shows how one (persons like me) cannot be happy just by others compliments. My happiness have to come from within - myself, when I feel like my interest has been satisfied.

Of course, I did not mean that washing dishes is the best job I could ever get, but it was a job that suited me better than producing repetitive "masterpieces". Now, after years of struggling with my career, I found a way out, and very happily, at middle age in my life, in a quiet corner of world which would be overlooked by most busy people, I can say to myself: "finally, I live like a human with free mind!"

Viola Freedom!



P.S. Majority of the portraits I "produced" are beautiful. I have no doubt on my skill and my artistic taste. But why I was not happy to do the job that i am so good at? Here is analogy: think about "rape" - just because a woman was raped, doesn't mean her babies are not pretty; on the other hand, just because those beautiful babies were born of rape, doesn't mean the woman would like to be raped again. :-)

Related post: The pain of a professional custom portrait artist

What Is Life About?

Re-post:
"Life is not about what we achieve or what we do, but HOW WE FEEL."

"Mental Illness"

Drawn by early 20th-century commercial cat illustrator Louis Wain near the beginning of his mental illness (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have seen some people (many of them are Chinese, might simply because I know more Chinese than Americans) with great mental disturbance, yet unconsciously keep living on with their daily life without any (professional or non professional) helps, creating harms to themselves and their families and friends; on the other hand, I've also seen/known many people diagnosed with mental illnesses (or worst, forced to stay in asylums) with (perfect or not so perfect) normal mental state.

What's going on?